It’s funny how I wait long periods of time to write about my life, before I get that itch to write again. Considering how much I enjoy writing my thoughts, I also don’t like the work that it takes to write out all my thoughts to my satisfaction. The benefit of blog, is much like that of a journal. It does not require extensive perfection in editing, the thoughts don’t even have to make perfect sense. The beauty of writing and documenting our life’s experiences, or thoughts, has more to do with documenting these ideas to either share them with others, or reflect back on them at a later time. I think I need to re-evaluate why I blog again…the truth is, I write because I find it very therapeutic to my emotional needs and find great peace in putting my thoughts into words instead of storing them in my head for just myself. My single, adult, lonely self. There is great beauty in sharing our thoughts with others, the world, or outside of ourselves. We can then begin to heal, or move forward with a better sense of gratitude and peace.
So here I am again, April 16, 2022. So much has occurred. I won’t attempt to address it all in this post. I guess that just means that I will need to jump on here and write more frequently. It is my hope that I do so. The worldwide pandemic shut downs of March 2020, led to the shutdowns of all business and social gatherings in the USA. My in person graduate school turned into a year and half more of online learning. My student teaching as a special educator turned into being a lead teacher, with minimal support in the classroom as I ventured to discover the world of a teaching in a post pandemic setting. Teaching was being re-designed right before my very eyes. Learning to teach and completing my grad school, all during the return to schools during the pandemic was more excruciating for me than I like to admit. I watched other teachers struggle to get their footing in learning how to teach all over again. I witnessed a splurge of retirement from people that had been teaching for 40+ years due to COVID, I observed how understaffed and how overwhelming the school systems were navigating these new waters of life. I pushed through the pain with support from friends and family.
In my second year of teaching I came down with COVID, became terribly ill for 16 days. It took about 30 days before I felt slightly normal again. My legs had become so weak during my illness, I stepped in a pothole and sprained my two ankles badly. It was hard to sit up, walk and stand. After spending 7 days of not being able to eat anything, or drink anything but water and Gatorade, not even soup broth, I remember the mental feeling of fear come over me. I waited for this illness to pass, and started to wonder if it even would. I remember my sister, Ligia’s hands touching my face, as I cried naked on the floor of my bathroom, and how it was the only thing that made me feel better. I could not even brush my own hair or dress myself. My brother-in-law then entered my home to give me a priesthood blessing, which brought me peace. But still waited two days before I started feeling better, and still was throwing up or releasing everything that entered my body. This virus was aggressive to my entire digestive system. Hashimoto's certainly did not help, and I experienced most of the pains of my illness alone, with a sweet roommate who was also sick. We checked in each other occasionally, but it was hard for both of us. I remember thinking this was too hard, and I rather die than keep trying to endure this discomfort. I should have gone to the hospital, but the truth was, even there, I would be asked to wait it out. Out of fear of dying alone in a hospital, and placing my trust in God, I felt I would overcome it, so I chose to stay home and wait it out.
I recovered and returned back to school after 2 full weeks of absences. Even my work at school was very difficult, and would prove to be difficult until the following summer, when I could take a break from all the chaos the developed in my absence. Then in November 2021, my father became very sick. We knew his time was coming to end, and he prepared by saying bye to all of his family and children. That Thanksgiving weekend was the last time I would ever see my father. On Friday, December 3,2021, my father, Jose Santiago Velez past away. With the help of my sisters and brothers, and our dear mother, we prepared all the plans to provide funeral services for my father. There miracles after miracles that we witnessed as we struggled to find the mean to pay for a funeral services for my father, but we managed to provide a beautiful and loving service for him. The following weeks were filled with a lot of arguing, fighting, misunderstandings, and difficulty as we helped move my mother out of her apartment and close all my father’s worldly affairs, with trips to the bank, and phone calls to placing things in my mother’s name. Stuff you don’t even realize you have to do, until you get to this point in your life. The things which people thought would be difficult weren’t, the things that came after the funeral were probably the most painful things to do. That Christmas and New Years, will be one to remember for sure, as we also took care of my uncle in my sister’s home who had unexpected quintuple bi-pass surgery on his heart. We cried, we were just so emotionally tired, and then had take in my uncle and care for him, since he had no one in the USA to care for him. I don’t think I will ever forget how emotionally draining December 2021 felt.
Then in January 2022, our dear friend Heather invited Ligia and I on a trip down to Vegas. To get away, and just emotionally, mentally and physically recharge our personal batteries of life. It was there that Heather force me to open up the most broken part of me, and admit, that something was not on. A light I used to have was turned off. As the Mad Hatter tells Alice, “You’ve lost your muchness…In there, something is missing.” Something is missing. I think we are all guilty of losing our muchness at some point. Perhaps many of us are there right now? But yeah, the desire to live, or living but only half alive, it is a difficult thing to address. The truth is sometimes I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth, just trying to survive each day rather than live with excitement, passion, and joy. True adulting requires ongoing, deep self reflection. What am I doing? Even more interestingly enough, why am I doing? For what reason? We all lost track of the what’s and why of our life, and when we do this, we lose our muchness. We lose our purpose, and sight of life.
In spring break/recess of April 2022 I went to see my best friends Tiffany and Robbie in Colorado Springs, CO. While with them, I get my teeth fixed and we spend a many late nights laughing, watching movies, or old college made videos, and reminiscing old friends, experiences and memories. These led me to my next reflection of all the guys I have met, dated and kissed in my life. Haha. Too funny. But if all the guys, there really was only one guy that I really whole heartedly liked deeply, I wanted to imagine my life with him the whole rest of my life. The pain I relive every time I remember how difficult it was to end my time seeing him, and how in that moment, all I wanted him to say was that I was enough for him. That all he wanted was to be with me. But his answer was a simple, “I don’t know.” My friends mention, I don’t know why things ended, he seemed to really like you. As a 37 year old I still reflect on that night I cried to let that person go, which happened when I was only 21 years old. It made me wonder if maybe he liked me way more than I even realized and that I was at fault for letting him go. I sit here and still try to convince myself, that as great of a person he was, it was the right thing to do. But I have never met someone I felt so connected to as I felt when I was with him. He is married now, and I think now I like the idea of him more than I actually liked him. Who in their right mind would ever like someone, that could not commit to being with them? I wish him all the joy in the world, truly.
Then there are other people I have dated, and tried to connect with. It’s difficult to date, as a single adult in Utah. Even more so, in the church. Most guys I have met through Mutual or Tinder have been people outside of my church, or extremely conflicted members of the church (whether it was with religion and faith, or gender attraction). These were all negative experiences I had with dating. My good friend/co-worker always asks if I ever date? Lol. I have tried. Then it hits me hard when she says, “I just feel like you have so much love to give.” I realize, that I do. My heart has always been filled with so much love that I just want to give to another person. That is probably why I went into teaching children, because I wanted to find an outlet to pour my love into. There I provide a great amount of love and support for me student in a special education classroom. My students have become my outlet for love, and I feel the entire spectrum of love that I think most people feel in families. I feel joy, sadness, excitement, frustration, anger, empathy, love, patience, and forgiveness. It is a cluster and mix of an emotional roller coaster of emotions in being a special educator during these difficult times of the world. Yet, I am happy, in being where I am, and working so hard to get here.
I walked for graduation in May 2021, then in August struggled to graduate, ended up taking two I completed for classes I was struggling in online learning with. I received my license and certification for teaching just was not able to finish out my last two classes to actually complete my Masters program. Now I am up against a clock to complete these classes by July 2022. I carry that weight an burden on my shoulder to finish up these two classes and finish what I started. It is a great deal of stress, I am overwhelmed. I am tired, and I am confused. How I got here. Life is hard. For everyone, married people, single people, divorced people, for children, for those enduring losing a loved one. I hold onto Snow, a dog I helped purchase, that lives with my sister and brother-in-law. I don’t see her as often as I would like, but every time I do, she heals my sad, broken, and lonely heart.
I realize, that the world is full of challenges and demons we all have to face. I was thinking today. The battle of this life is won with individual souls. Satan, the great deceiver of men, would have us give up, and wants us to lose sight of who we really are, and what we can do and are meant to do in this world. If Satan can help you lose sight of your individual worth and that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you eternally, then that is job, and he finds great joy, in your loss of identity. When I hear my family and friends cry to me of their pains and difficulties of this world, I feel so much pain in my heart, because the battle we all must face with the adversary is difficult and lonely one, we all must face. We get to the moments of great distress, we think I cannot do this anymore, or am about to break. Maybe we do break? But, I sat in my mothers car today (because my car is still in the shop because it is smoking), thinking OK God. I know you are real, my heart hurts, I am stressed, and I need you now. “I trust you.” Shocker, because I don’t trust a lot of people or things. I am here because this is where you wanted me. I have been blessed with opportunities that I could have never imagine for myself. Then I tell myself, I can’t wait to see who you have blessed me with, to achieve all those life long goals and dreams I wanted to experience.
You see, getting the right degree, is awesome, having a great job, one that you love is awesome too. But not having a companion to share my dreams with. That makes all these things less fulfilling. Finding my eternal companion is an eternal blessing, one that I have wanted for many years now. My muchness dies, when I am doing what I was really meant to do, my whole life. I am doing a great many things, but lost sight of my goals, when I replaced them with other things of value to me and the world. Life is hard as we grow up, because or goals and relationships are always evolving. They must evolve. I always dreamed my father would see me marry the man of my dreams, in the temple someday. Now I just hope I can experience that with my mother. Maybe you are in a different place in your life right now than me. But I would have to ask you, have you lost your muchness? If you have, what can you do to get on track to re-establishing your purpose for living? How do you relight the flame in your heart to live each day day to its fullest. Maybe we all are struggling and need help. Maybe you don’t really on a God to help you get through each day. I do. But perhaps we can all help one another in this big mysterious world that we live in. I write this, as a reminder that we are not alone, no matter how lonely we may feel. I love you, and there are those that love me. I might feel sad, but the truth is, there is muchness inside of all of us. We all are muchier than we realize. Much love! 🥰
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