Not ancient, but old...and dealing with the cards laid out in front of me.

So, I'm sitting here at work...thinking...that I can't think of a time, when I'm not thinking...LOL.

But yeah, first, I still have to post all those blogs about all my fun adventures that I've documented on my camera. And I'll try to get to that later today...if not definitely tomorrow.

But on another note, I've been particularly thinking about how I'm getting OLD. Now, I know I'm not OLD as in ANCIENT...but my look is changing. It's interesting how as a little kid you're never really aware of how your physical look is actually evolving and aging and even maturing. But I feel like, when I look in the mirror now, I've seen physical changes in my appearance, that I just don't have any physical control over anymore. No make-up or clothing can change the fact that I have dark baggier undereyes than I did before, or that I'm just an older person now.

And the cruel reality is that I certainly don't feel as pretty as I did last year. Haha. I know that's a weird comment to make, and I bet all my friends and family will remind me how beautiful I am in the present day...blah blah blah. But don't you ever look at certain years and think, "I was a knock out then?" Well, I just don't feel that way these days. I'm not sure I ever felt like I was a knock out, but I feel even less like that this year than others.

Clothes and makeup just don't hide the fact that I'm aging for me, and shoping for makeup or articles of clothing don't brighten my mood up anymore like they used to. It's like I'm actually taking notice of it for once in my life and it's a weird feeling. I feel like the vain side of me is just waking up to realize, I'm nearly 25 years old now, and not even close to getting married, or have ever been close to being in a serious or non serious relationship...I can't help to think, that I might be "an old bride"...and something just sits wrong in my tummy with that idea. That's no fun. And I know I'm talking like an immature little kid right now, which I am on the inside, but I don't want to be that old looking bride on the outside(not saying there is anything wrong with being married when you're older).

And this never concerned me before. When I was little I think I imagined myself be married sometime near the age of 28. But I wasn't thinking then. I didn't know my looks would change. Now...I am willing to wait as long as I need to, as long he is the right one and quite a catch at that! I find myself more often talking to God out loud, as if I am negotiating the terms of me having to wait so long before I am presented with the right guy, in the right scenario, at the right time to be married. As if I even have any rights to negotiate in those terms? LOL. And I have every bit of faith that it will all work out in God's plan and timing, or so I keep reminding myself to re-invest into that faith.

And this is probably aweful to say...but if nobody wants me now, who could possibly want me later. When I stop to think of all the guys my age, or older than me, I'm scared that I'm going to be faced with attending a older singles adult ward, with a bunch of weirdos that "there's a reason why they're not married yet." Or, what if I come faced with having to date divorced people? I don't know...I guess there's a little more doubt in my heart than I am willing to confess and vocalize. Once again not saying that there's anything wrong with divorced people, I just never imagined that for me.

I never imagined myself getting married at 18 years old, infact I mocked people who thought this way...like my old roommate...but she know's I love her. I didn't think it was right to put so much pressure on one's self if they arn't married at 18 or 21 at that matter. It just didn't seem right to think "what's wrong with me," when I very well stood my ground and knew there was nothing wrong with me. I just decided to keep moving forward, preparing myself to mature into adulthood on my own, and learn to love myself and love God first above everything else. My moto, was "If you can't be happy on your own, how can you ever truly learn to be happy with someone else?" It's not about being a feminist, but about dealing with the cards of the deck that are laid out in front of you.

But the thought keeps running across my mind, what if I don't get married until I'm in my 30's!?!?!? Now I know that I will have the opportunity to be married and raise a family while on Earth, and the factors of it not be the right time or the right guy for me yet are reasonably good factors to deal with. I'm not the only one on this boat...I know there are other women out there dealing with this problem as well. But I never imagined I would be an old middle aged bride either. I mean every girl dreams about being a young beautiful bride...right?

My friend, Yoko, and her sister Pilar, were just telling me the other day, that they never hear me talk about boys, and when they do...it's just weird and funny. What's wrong with never letting obsession over guys take control my life? Guys were never obsessed with me, so why would I ever let the agony of them contaminate my mind? Haha. Ok, that's a little over dramatic. But now I'm worried. What if all this time I thought it was out of my control and out of my hands, and yet at the same time, what if I was wrong. Can it be in my hands? Have I done something completely wrong my whole life.

And that people that really love me, will tell me to exercise, and it's just my weight...but if that's what the world is coming to...I'm just so disappointed with people's vainity, and don't want anything to do with that. So, I will just sign out, go home, to curl up into a little ball and continue thinking, how my life ended up where it is today...and deal with my unspoken fear of one day being that OLD BRIDE.

Don't worry I'm not sad...I'm just thinking. ;)

Good night everyone!